Being lost has done me wonders
I feel like I've been lost ever since the day I realized life never goes exactly how you want it to, especially in college. I graduated on May 16, 2015; 11 days before my birthday, 2 days after my sister's birthday, and 151 days up to today. I guess I was expecting an existential crisis, the ones that are life changing, that jarring feeling which lets you know a major part of your life is transforming. I never got that feeling, I got a familiar anxiety. An anxiety that's only known when you're unsure of what to do, where to go next, but you know the decision you make will change your life regardless.
It seems that unfamiliarity and I have been longtime friends. I went to my old writing blog looking for nuggets of wisdom I gave myself long ago and came across this:
I’ve been lost lately.
I was beginning to lose myself. I began to lose my peace of mind, that which aligned me spiritually and mentally. I wasn’t the good kind of lost like in my earlier post I was “this doesn’t seem like me” lost, “i can’t put my finger on it, but something is up” lost, “ebony, what are you doing” lost. I can assure you it’s not the greatest feeling, but it’s a huge relief when I was painfully aware of it because now I had the choice to get back on the path God has laid out for me.
Maybe that’s the thing. God doesn’t lay it out for you, but rather he helps you pave the way you see fit to fulfill his will
That was written back in January and I can say I found myself again after that post, in tree branches looking out at the world's mess its made. So now as I sit on this metaphorical tree I have used as a resting place, I must now make the decision to climb down and continue forward.
To where? With whom? How will I get there?
Those are questions I ask myself daily and I'm unsure. I thank God I took a gap year with an organization who heavily emphasizes spiritual well-being and productivity for its made the uncertainty bearable. I believe uncertainty is an integral part of pit stops. It drives your anxiety and the pressure to make a decision burdens you greatly, but I don't think its a bad thing. It's all apart of being lost and going through the process of moving forward in life's journey. Crap, without being lost I wouldn't have gone to South Africa, I wouldn't have found my self-esteem, I wouldn't have taken a gap-year, I wouldn't have started this blog, I wouldn't have known its possible to make dreams come true. So I'm thankful for the moments in life where I was more lost than found. It forces you to critically analyze your options and pray that the universe will help you move in the right direction; the path meant for you.
Underlying my uncertainty is excitement. Excitement for the endless possibilities life can bring. All of my life up until now has been pretty certain: school, school, school, more school and now life's vast world of adult opportunity. I don't mind admitting that many of us who are entering adulthood feel bewildered and disillusioned, but optimistic about future endeavors. So I will remain seated on life's branch, uncertain, until the wind tells me its time to climb down and continue on my journey.