Self-Love Series Day 1: Sitoria
At the tender age of six I was sexually abused, repeatedly. Fast forward into my late teens I was in a domestic abuse relationship. I tried sharing these things with my father and he wouldn’t listen, so now I had “daddy issues”. I started to look for love in materialistic things, I gave of myself senselessly hoping someone would hear my cry for love; I started to hate the person I saw in the mirror. I did not know how to love myself. I did not know what self-love was. I knew I did not love Sitoria the way she needed to be loved. I allowed life’s circumstances to dictate my actions and take away my crown. Every thing I did was for the other person because I knew how to make other people happy, but I never gave myself the time of day to get know myself.
When I first started my blog, Sitoria Speaks, I originally created it with the purpose of just solely writing whatever was on my mind. I went to school and studied journalism and communications and I always wanted to blog so I said, “Why not?” This idea came to mind in January 2016 and finally launched that June. As the site was being built I focused on the meat and potatoes. My writing. The day I started to write my first blog post I was pumped. It was a beautiful summer day, I just got done with a great workout, I had no schoolwork and I was totally alone. I popped open my computer to write and I completely froze. I was drawing blanks. I tried to write, but I couldn’t write anything without feeling, fake. Being a writer I had to respect that I was not in the right zone to work and so I did not force it. I’m glad I didn’t because I instantly had a revelation in the midst of it. The reason I could not show my honesty in my writing is because there was some shit I had not been honest with myself about and that I had not processed. Specifically, the things mentioned at the beginning of this post.
I was advised later that summer to write a letter to my dad pouring out everything I’ve ever wanted to say so that the true healing can begin. Once I wrote that letter I felt a huge burden lift off of me. I understood, finally that it wasn’t anything in my past keeping me from moving forward. It was me. Obviously I made it through the storm and I’m still here. What does that say? It says that I am a dope ass individual who doesn’t let the small stuff determine my path in life or who I become. It says that I am highly favored and loved because God still has me on this Earth. It tells me that I have PURPOSE.
Once I realized what my purpose was in this universe, I could clearly write what I had to say. Everyone has a story and we all have something to say. That is why I choose to speak mines because my story is what made me the person that I am today. I choose to honor that because I choose to love myself flaws and all. When you can go through some shit and still look at yourself and say “damn. I love me some me”, then that is self-love.
I was dead inside and I knew I needed a change. I needed to be reborn again. You have to allow yourself to do that, though. Choose you and get to know yourself. Be honest with yourself. Is there anything that you’ve been suppressing? Is it affecting your thoughts, actions, and relationships? Do you feel like you need a change from the inside out? Do you feel stuck? If so then it’s time to tell yourself “yes” and MOVE. Stop focusing on what is and start focusing on what it is you want so you can start making the necessary changes. Focus your energy on making “positive” your theme.
Nobody’s going to love you like you.